January 6, 2020: I got A Dog!

¿¿¡Hola! Comeo estas my Amigas??!!

Notice anything? That’s right boys I’m brushin up on my Espanyola! By the way that shit i just said means “yo wat the fuk is really gud my duuuudes??!!”

Now I kno u guys are probaby askin yourself “ Yo FireKilla aka Biggest Dick Guy aka Universal Soldier, What the fuk are u speeking sweet espanol for? Also where the fuk you been lately my dogg? Also how did u get so good looking my man? Also how do u smell so gud?

Well boys lets just say the tail i tell will answer all this and mor. So buckle up!!

Ever sence i defeated tha FABTOM OF THA CHICAGO! Ive been livin on easy street. Babes abd drugs galore. Now I no theres been more reports comin in but take it form your official SUperduperstitous Feild Correspondant - Chicago Division, Thats just Lon Strickler runnin around teh streetz in a batman costume. I think the Lonmower Man is out of fresh leads so hes startin tp generate his own u feel?

I decided that sence i got a nack for killin cryptids I should probably take my unique skillz set to tha next level u feel? Through careful scientific evalutation i narrowed down the cryptid field into 3 categories: The PHANTom OF THA CHICaGO, John Wayne Gacy, adn teh Wooly Mamoth. I thought Trump may be considered 1 but found out that most scientific comunities regard him less as a “cryptid” adn more as an “abortion” u feel?

Anyways! Gacy’s been ded for like 40 years and with my recent defeat of the FANTOM I realized that the only cryptid left to vanquish was the Wolly Mamoth! So with that I started to make my way to California cuz I heard that’s wher they live. (i’m aslo on the run because i’m wanted in chicago right now. My parole officer 1 day was like “yo my man do u have drugs on u?” and I was like “no fuckin way my dude i’m reformed.” and then he was like “ bummer I’m looking to get hi u feel?” and I was like “yo watchu need my dude I got a shitload of pcp im tryina offload” and he was like “yo i got u bro, hands up.” and I was like “damn, well played dogg.” then i got the fuk outta there.)

Now that was about 3 months ago and I’m sure ur askin “Yo Topp Dog 2 Cute aka Good Looking But Will Whip Ur Azz how come ur not in Cali yet?” Well boys lets just say I fled the Chi in my 98 cutlass classic and she wasn’t up for the job. She broke down outside of Plainfeild illinois and I’ve been hitchin it ever since trading drugs for rides u feel me.

As of right now i’m as far as New Mexico and that’s why I’m bonin up on my spaish so that i can fraternize with all the New Mexicans i meet u feel. All the drugs i packed finally ran out so now i’m workin as a dish guy at this diner and growin out my cartel stache for the ladies. It’s way the fuck out in the middle of npwhere but uis pretty chill and ive been gettin workouts in by stackin as many plates as I can and doing bicep curls. (and n case u guys were wondering these next level biceps still havent quit my dudes feel me) The new mexicans in the back are pretty cool. they help me with my espanol whiile they cook. They call me “Hija de Puta Blanco” which im guesin means somethin like “Apex of Humanity” but don’t quote me. Just add it to tha list boys!

Anyways when i got here i bought this 85 chevy caprice that doesnt run for 50 bucks and I ve been livin out of it until i can pay for the fixes it needs so i can get the fuck outta here. I’d been workin at this dinerfor about 2 weeks when some weird azz shit started happenin. I was outside one night smokin a bong with tha line cook when we seen this little creature run past us and snarl. The line cook was like “Chupacabra!” and i was like “Yo Chupa my huevos my man.” But then i realized he wasnt talkin to me. He kept pointin adn sayin “Chupacabra!” and i was like “ yo that was a dog my man” but he ran back inside like a total pussy boi, say word if u feel me.

Well the next day they found a dead cow with all it blood drained. Let me tell you somethin, these New Mexicans fuckin LOST it. It was Chupa this and Cabra that. The line cook I smoked that bong with looked like he was abpout to plan his own funeral. I was like “Yo my dude that was a fuckin dog we saw!” but lemme tell u boys ,It didnt make a differnce.

All last week therve been cows dyin fuckin everywhere and i’m tellin you its been a real pain in my azz. Everybodys ben as jumpy as a newmexican jumping bean u feel? Well it all came to a fuckin head last night.

We were in the middle of the dinner rush and I was fuckin killing bicep curls with 15 plates in each hand when all the sudden the LIGHTS WENT OUT. Soemone from the front of the restaurant SCREAMED! Me and the cooks rushed out front. My biceps were litaraly pulsing it was so sicc. We couldnt see in the dark but we heard a real fuckin calamity goin on near the door. Suddenly the lights came back on and there on the floor was a New Mexican fucking drained of all his blood!! I was like “yo whose the vamppire lol” but everyone was like “CHUPAFUCKINCABRA!!” Theplace emptyd out in about half a second. With the boss gone i decided to make my way in back and cook up some Huevos Rancheros on the house u feel?

I get bak there and As im about to start burnin I here some pots and pans clankin. I go and check it out and guess waht? There’s that fuckin dog from the other day! It looked hella fucked up with red eyes and kinda scaly ass skin. But you know sometimes dogs get like that when they are trained to fight and shit. Its so sad. I was like” YO DO U FUCK WITH MALIBU RUM?” and the dog just barked at me (its vocal chords musta gotten bitten in a fight cuz that was one fucked up bark my dudes. Like nails on the underside of a dicc)

Well i figured it had to be hungy so I started cookin up some huevos rancheros for the both of us. But when I tossed him some the dog didnt eat it. SO then i thought about the thing i need when I’m not hungry. THE CHRONIC. I blew some o’s his way and that knocked him out pretty good. At least enough for me to get a leash around him.

I took him home to my caprice feelin pretty good about myself. Animal rescue is improtant u feel? And this mother fucker is tough as hell. He plays rough. And if you get on his bad side he bites the fuck outta ya. I was tryna think of names but hes such a hardass only one came to mind. The name of the greatest superhero in movie histpry, The T-1000 from terminator 2. The downside to this little guy is his cock. I cant find one and theres no way this bro is a chick. Maybe it got ripped off in a fight but its soemthin im gonna help him work on. And who better to trane him 2 a more glorious dicc than the man they call the Biggest Dick Guy? One cock pushup a day boys. Thats all it takes. No hands. just cock. Youlll be blone away by the results i promise.

The next day i brought T-1000 by the restaruant to show my bros . I was like “Yo check out my new dog!” everybody fucking lost their shti again! They were like “Chupacabra!!” and told me not 2 come back.

Well fuck em is what i say. I almost got the Caprice up and runnin again. And soon I’ll be on my way 2 Cali with my trusty sidekick T-1000 by my side in search of mor cryptids to vanquish.

I think that about raps it up my dudes! I hope u guys are doin fuckin so excellent. Jak i heard you moved man. U should comeout to cali and wait till i get there so we can chill out! I hope muy story answered all the questions im sure all my fans have been dyn to know. Oh wait, there is still one.. How do I smell so good. AXE body spray boys. I never leave home with out it. The babes fuckin dig it so i spray myself once every 15 mins. that s a life tip for u guys.

I’ll drop u boys a line once we’re in SoCal and covered in fcuckin Woolly Mamoth guts. Until then stay fuckin spooky my dudes!

Ur bois,

Fire Killer and T-1000